For Super Soul Sunday and Anderson Cooper’s Grief Podcast

This post is about Memorial Websites, Grief, and Día de Los Muertos Ofrendas.

It has been almost two years since my beautiful sister passed away. When my family struggled with who would take on specific responsibilities like writing her obituary, I decided to build my sister Beronica Rodriguez the coolest memorial website I could build to honor her memory. I built it for me, and I built it for her daughter, who I doubt ever looks at it. At first, it was a bit cathartic to put my energy into building a memorial website for her. Building her a beautiful memorial website would be my loving way of saying “I am sorry“ for not being the sister you deserved for the past two decades.

It took me three days to build her memorial website. I worked on it periodically for the first few months until I completed building her very own music channel on it, which I thought she would love. The months that followed for me were full of difficult personal decisions, more loss, and hardship. Occasionally, when I was feeling lonely, I would visit her memorial website and listen to the songs I chose for her that made me feel like I could summon her back at that moment so she could comfort me in my hour of need. That sentence makes me feel selfish and guilt-ridden. I wasn’t the best sister to her for the past two decades; I was selfish and self-centered.

This past year has been extremely taxing for me. Periodically, I would contemplate whether it was healthy to keep revisiting the memorial website because I usually tended to visit it when I was overdrinking, sad, and in need of comfort. It feels wrong that I keep doing that now. Before my husband and I moved out of our beloved home state of California, we stopped briefly to see my parents so I could say goodbye to them. Our visit was short, and before I left, my mother gave me two things, a large, framed picture of my sister and a ring of hers to keep so I could keep her close to me. My mother knew how much it meant to me to have something of my sister with me, and since then, I barely take her ring off.

I decided to write this very personal piece because I have been watching Anderson Cooper @AndersonCooper talk about grief and his new podcast on how people deal with grief and how they get through those painful moments. I write it for anyone considering a memorial website because my experience with it is complicated.

Wearing my sister’s ring almost non-stop is a comfort at times, but sometimes it can also be a painful reminder of my failure as her sister.

Since moving to Georgia, which is still considered a red state, I have been overwhelmed by the overabundant political ads on TV. In addition to that, my social media feeds are also full of political ads and identity politics. I mention this because, while I am proud of my Mexican American heritage, sometimes it can feel burdensome, for example, the Día de Los Muertos ofrenda. It has only been a week since we moved into our new home. One of the first things I did was put my sister's picture up front and center in my living room. In honor of Día de Los Muertos, I made a quick fall ofrenda where my sister’s picture sits front and center. I see her every day. I surrounded her with some of my other heroes, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Anthony Bourdain, and others I lost who will always have a place on my ofrenda. Seeing her picture every day at this moment brings me pain.

A few weeks ago, I saw a NYTimes article about a new book tearing down Anthony Bourdain, which made me upset for days. At the time, I had workers at my house. We hired Jamie and Maria to complete a flooring project in our home. Overcome with grief at that disparaging book and article, I told Jamie and Maria I couldn’t help them work on the floors that day because I felt I had to defend my amigo (who I had never met, by the way). I felt compelled to try and write a scathing rebuttal to that article and book. While writing my amigo’s defense, I needed Maria’s help spelling desahogarse (Spanish speakers understand that word). In the process, I ended up reading Bourdain's Under the Volcano piece out loud to them so they could understand why I was so hell-bent on defending his memory that day. You see, I want to celebrate and never forget those I love, my famila, and my amigos, but sometimes, doing that can be painful and overwhelming. I know I have to let them go, which is painful as fuck for me.

I now understand why some people don’t want to say those who have passed names anymore. Grief is too much at times. A few months back, when I was in a moment of despair, I discussed taking down the memorial website I built for Beronica with one of my sisters. My sister bluntly reminded me that no one visited the website and advised me to take it down; after all, she noted, “no one will build one for you,” which I know is true. I must make peace with the fact that I built a loving tribute to my beloved sister with all my heart and soul, which is enough. All I can hope is that she would have gotten a chuckle out of the music channel I built her and the pictures and video clips I chose to share (which are locked down btw). I am grateful to those who sent me some kind words about her to share in it and have a sister I wanted to remember in such a fun new tech way. It may just be that I need some time, but for now, I decided taking down the website after Día de Los Muertos is the right thing for me. I also might need to take her ring off for a while and put her picture away, which brings me deep pain. Hopefully, when I am in a better place, a spiritually healthier place, I can wear her ring again and bring her picture back out without feeling an overabundance of sadness. I look forward to the day I can look at her picture and not cry. I am unsure what I will feel when I delete the memorial website; I put a lot of hard work into building it, and now I won’t have easy access to her music channel that I have been using as a crutch. I’ve been turning to it for comfort, and not having it a favorite’s click away is terrifying. I feel that this is where I must let go of her pant legs and let her float to her next adventure.

In closing, my advice is only the person who built the memorial website will know when to close it. Fortunately, I have my home video memories which I cherish and look back on fondly, mainly because they reflected a time when identity politics wasn’t such a huge thing. In my home videos, I see human beings living out their lives and enjoying each other’s company and differences. Personally, that is what I feel makes my home videos so unique. I really hope we can get back to just being loving “humans” again someday soon (I used quotes because I have been reading Abhijit Naskar, and he is right about that, humans first, everything else second). I hope this piece helped someone struggling with their decision to make a memorial website.

Thank you for reading. Please be gentle with criticism; I am not a writer. I just did my best to share my experience.

With Gratitude,

Lidia Page

A picture of my ofrenda is attached, It needs more and I forgot a friend but I will add them tomorrow, this is the best I could do with my time. I reserve the right to edit this post.

#SuperSoulSunday #MemorialWebsites #AndersonCooperGriefPodcast #Ofrenda #DiadelosMuertos #BeronicaRodriguez #Grief #AllThereIs #AbhijitNaskar #Wearehumansfirst #AndersonCooper

Memorial Website Ofrenda October 2022 LP